my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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