Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
