Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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