LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
