Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
