who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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