He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
