i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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