I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
