I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
