you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
