Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
