You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
