People in love make me want to vomit
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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