i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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