he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
