i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
