Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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