we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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