I can text with my tongue
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
