So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
