im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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