There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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