i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
