I met the friendliest cop last night
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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