if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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