im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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