I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
