Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
