So drunk its hurt
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
