he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
