he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
