I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
