I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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