I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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