alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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