My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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