Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
