chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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