Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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