I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
