New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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