omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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