He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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