I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
