Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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