Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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