she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
