Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
