I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
