I just cut my nipple shaving
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
