I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
