Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
