literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize