my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
