So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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