Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
