Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
A bitchslap is in order.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize