I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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