I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
