i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
