I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't turn off my feet"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
