you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
