It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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