did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
