the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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